Journal Excerpt: Confession
Lest you think following Jesus every day in the everyday is just a catchy hashtag, here is a glimpse into what it looked like for me a month ago…
My mind an heart are a bit weighted this morning. I don’t understand. Please examine me and show me what I need, and draw me close; surely all I need is in You.
I am so close to my weight goal, but not yet fully living the “big picture” I desire [for my relationship with food, exercise, sleep and stress] – nor, I think, that You desire. I’m back to snacking mindlessly at night even though I’m not hungry. It’s vague dissatisfaction. It makes my lip curl and the corners of my mouth tighten. I did not say “no” to unhealthy, unhelpful desires, but instead indulged them and almost choked on my snack. My sleep also was not as solid as it has been.
I feel guilty and ashamed – the lip curl is disgust at myself. Yes. That’s what it is.
O Dearest Jesus, You have suffered so much for my sake — to rescue me from unhealthy, unholy desires! I have failed to obey Your prompting to dedicate some time each day to meditating on Your passion. I only thought a few moments about when I would do this, did not decide and therefore (and thereafter) did not do as led!
I am sorry! You deserve more love and attention than this. Please center me in You. My [“big picture”] is focused on You — my design is completely dependent o You. You are my joy and my treasure! How could I live (or attempt to live) any other way?
Thank You for Your grace. As much as I rue failures like this, I know that without things to overcome, I am not an overcomer (or can’t walk in that part of my design). You overcame by submitting to the Father’s plan, the suffering by which You became our merciful High Priest and atoning sacrifice. It was this struggle, and the daily ones that won You that title: Overcomer. I forget that Yours was a daily sacrifice, a daily surrender like ours is. You took no magic pill that let You float above daily difficulties. It was the yoke uf submission, where You call me to join You for rest.
Yes. Last night I was rebellious. I did not want, nor wear, the yoke of submission that would have kept me close to You…close enough to touch, all the time, if I felt the need, Near enough to hear a whisper, to feel Your breath, to smell Your essence, connected by the hand-carved, custom-fitted yoke that lets me sense when You move of shift, rest or surge forward according to the Father’s command…”Pull right! Lean left! Hold up! Get on!” Everything in tandem, going only where the Driver is aiming. His eye is on the end of the furrow (as well as all the other teams..) He alone sees the end…the glorious end to which we are driving.
All the little oxen, learning from Jesus, leaning into Him, hearing You – partnering with You to complete Your purpose. I am overwhelmed by the intimacy and vastness of such a partnership. Close enough to scent You… What an honor!
Thanks for peering into what it looks like
Following Jesus every day in the everyday,
Christi
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