Serving, but Why?
The LORD bless you and keep you;
the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26
I never thought about this blessing being for me. The thought of God smiling at me — I guess that’s what it means when His face turns towards us, or shines on us — stirred up a deep craving for God’s approval: to be able to glance in His direction and see His face shining on me — turned toward me and glowing with delight in what He sees. There was an ache there. I began to wonder if this might be the source of my enduring, subterranean sadness.
I have struggled for the last few weeks to climb out of (even to recognize) the dark hole of my own perceptions…crying for no discernible reason, feeling the weight of my many failures, tired and old. Everywhere I looked I could only see my un-done work or projects. Trying to “exercise” a little (or a lot) each day had not amounted to increased energy or stamina. My regular housework was suffering even more than normal. My “schedule” had gotten scrambled, and I didn’t seem to have the brain power or energy to do anything about it…
I could go on, but you get the picture.
A loving friend listened to my slogging-through-a-smelly-swamp story and asked if there were someone I could talk to about it. Taking her advice, I spoke to a wise friend who is part of our Biblical counseling team at church. She recommended that I do two things: write down all the things that have pain or sorrow attached to them, and then forgive the people attached to those wounds. I filled almost two pages with short phrases. I could have felt more, or cried harder, but I have a life-long habit of limiting my grief over things that should have crushed or shattered me, so, much of the sadness I should have felt was never expressed. I just tucked it away, and, as always happens with such things, it was now leaking out from everywhere, showing up as apathy, numbness, exhaustion, bleak outlook, physical pain, appetite swings, no sense of humor, doubt of God’s promises, and lots of random tears.
In at least half of the painful thoughts, I began to see a thread of belief.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been seeking to justify my existence by being helpful, anticipating needs and doing whatever I can to fill them. From the time I was very small, I lived out my desperate drive to “be good,” to make Mom happy, so Dad wouldn’t be disappointed in me…most of my attempts were either disastrous or hilarious. Burning my leg with a hot iron trying to help with the ironing, “helping” unruly kindergartners (you know, those OTHER kids!) obey, making my own first aid kit for youth group adventures…to be helpful.
“To love is to serve,” is a great motto, right? I thought, “If I’m not serving I’m not loving.” Always anticipating where help would be needed and seeing to it that I helped, always putting everyone else’s projects first (even for people I don’t care for or know!) wow…no wonder I feel sad, exhausted and uncared for.
Underneath all this seems to be my belief: If I am not helping or serving, I will be rejected, alone, unloved.
I may have exhausted others with my zeal to help not out of love and selfless devotion, but out of fear of not being loved! (If this was you, I am so sorry! I have already asked God to forgive my selfish drive.)
Now, based on truth that I’m sure you all can quote to me, I come out of agreement with that lie and come into agreement with what God says: “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” “You were chosen for adoption before the foundation of the world.” So with restored energy, joy and awareness of His smile and other graces, I am still…
Following Jesus every day in the everyday,
Christi
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