Death of a Lizard
It started with the death of a lizard – a gecko, actually.
We have bugs in our house. The big kind you can hear coming, or the kind that try to sing you to sleep at night. My tendency is to smash first and think about the consequences later. This is MY house! So, my automatic response to seeing something dark scurry across the floor of our dimly lit “library” was to stomp on it. Only then did I realize what it was: a tiny, friendly, bug-eating miracle of Divine engineering — a gecko. I had smashed it flat! I was heart-broken.
I apologized to the tiny thing. “Oh, I’m so sorry! So sorry! I did not know who you were!”
Look what entitlement has done!
How many other small lives and helpful hearts have I crushed in the furor of seeking my “rights,” my entitlement to have an irritation-free space, or to be obeyed, or to have the performance of others meet MY specifications, or to say what I please when offended?!?!
Putting in my headphones, I went out to work in the garden, asking for “shuffle all” of the songs on my phone, not trusting myself to choose good music, but trusting Papa-God to order my playlist.
What played in my ears could only have come from His gracious, skilled surgical hand.
The next five songs undid me. I so clearly heard His call, His gentle correction. No one could have chosen a more clear path to transformation through the music. I was overcome.
Papa, You do not wish me to stay entitled but to lay all my “rights” aside, and say “‘Yes and Amen’ to everything You call [me] to” – whether it seems good to me or not. So that I “let the glory of the Lord rise among us”… within me.
But, having failed so many times to live in this, my “dry bones cry for You. ..Jesus, You’re the One who saves us. Surely our Messiah will make all things new.”
“The empty come to Jesus, go filled with love away. Then they have love to offer to all who come their way.”
I have NOT come empty to Jesus, and entitlement is the exact opposite of love! Love bears all, endures all, doesn’t take offense, doesn’t seek its own! Entitlement seeks nothing but its own!
I felt so ashamed , so unlovable – and because I hold to the “right” to deserve the love I receive in the form I like to receive it, I did NOT know I am loved.
How deep is the pride and self-seeking!
How undeserving I am, and therefore how un-loved I felt!
But Your Spirit drew my heart and mind to the first song my phone played:
“My worth is not in…win or lose, in pride or shame, but in the blood of Christ that flowed at the cross. Two wonders here that I confess: My worth and my unworthiness. My value fixed, my ransom paid at the cross!”
More conversation with Papa-God followed, and the playlist that He organized next was full of grace, forgiveness, mercy, comfort, peace and courage…from G.F. Handel to a children’s musical, to a Christian rock opera (some of which I did not know I had on my phone!) With each successive song, His love was made more clear to me, His forgiveness overtook my grief and shame, His tender mercies cocooned me.
So thankful…
How is God working in you? I’d love to share your journey as you have shared mine.
Christi
P.S. If you don’t recognize the songs or artists, I can give you the list. Just leave a comment.
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