Morning After…

Published by mrsamydewey on January 15, 2021

I did not do self-control well last night after coming home from an afternoon and evening of being used to disciple, challenge, encourage and comfort.

My weight has crept up again (Thank you, yummy Christmas goodies.) and I have a doctor’s appointment this week. Last time there were congratulations. This time there will be disappointment (if not recriminations). And the ground I have lost was hard-won.  =(

Every morning is full of resolve and discipline, evenings are saturated with failure and indulgence…

Part of it must be stress-eating. I start out the day more or less rested and at peace after some time with Papa-God, but at the end of the day I have weathered a bunch of unresolvable conflicts, which, though minor, eat at me, so I guess I think I should eat at them…

” God, my Papa, what is Your solution for me?”

Mine is either to beat myself up (mentally), shaming myself for being weak, condemning myself for failure and vowing to do better tomorrow, or to sigh and shrug (“Oh well”), choosing apathy and resignation. Neither works very well, nor is in line with the truth.

This is a long-standing pattern:  the treasured bedtime snack. My father spent most of the Depression being hungry and feeling neglected. His love language was connected to food. To be sent to bed hungry was unthinkable. To be fed was to be loved.

Some of the most precious conversations happened over a small bowl of cereal, or an apple with peanut butter, standing in the half-dark kitchen late in the evening.

It is no longer a communal event, nor a measured one, but for me has become mindless munching with my only companions a mouse and a screen, my conversations only by email. What am I after? What is the need I am trying to meet?

Only God knows all the muddle of things going on in my head and heart. I am not hearing or seeing clearly.

The wonder of this is that God uses such a flawed, fallible human to accomplish ANY of His purposes! This has ever been the case. His story is written with only characters that are despicable, not wholesome or worthy, because He is the Hero! His story is truly told in this manner, because He is the only one worthy of worship and honor.

So I pray this:  “Please let worship of You envelop my heart and pervade my life. Let every breath be taken and released in light of who You are. Lead me on the path that displays Your glory — the path of weakness…I guess I am already on that path!  All the more to display Your power.”

Still…

Following Jesus every day in the everyday,

Christi